June 15, 2005
Sorry about the lengthy hiatus. We're back! Actually, we never went anywhere, but if you like, you can imagine that we were off in some tropical wonderland, sunning ourselves on the beach. That's what I like to imagine, anyway.
Zeke's last day of preschool for the spring quarter was last Friday. He has this week off and then he goes back on Monday for summer session. I originally was only going to sign him up for one of the summer sessions, which would have meant that he had six full weeks off from school, but at the last minute I changed my mind and decided to sign him up for the whole summer.
I did this for a few different reasons. Mostly I think it's just going to be better for both Zeke and me. Zeke just started preschool three months ago, so I hate to yank him out of his routine for an entire month and a half, and then put him back into it. He seems to like school, and I think he gets a lot out of the social interaction. And, uh, I kind of really don't like being a full-time stay-at-home mom anymore.
This is a little difficult to admit. Back when Zeke was a baby, I didn't mind doing the stay-at-home mom thing. I just carried him around with me wherever I went, and took him on errands, and let him play with his little activity gym and toddle around in the patio garden, and fun times were had. These days, though, I feel responsible for keeping him from getting bored and/or spending the entire day watching TV, and man, I just don't think I'm up to the task. I really don't. I hate arts and crafts projects with a flaming passion. I didn't like them when I had to do them in school and I don't really care for them now. Going on walks requires massive amounts of preparation, and then once we actually get started, someone has to use the potty and someone wants another drink and walks are boring and everybody just wants to go to the playground anyway.
Then there's the playground. I spend most of my time at the playground watching Zeke like a hawk to make sure he's not being rude or mean to other children. I let him take his dump truck to the playground yesterday, and that was a miserable disaster. He would get distracted by something else and leave his dump truck in the sandbox, and then, naturally, another little boy would come over and start playing with it. When Zeke noticed this, he'd run over and angrily yank the dump truck away from the other boy (this happened twice) and say, "No, you can't play! This is mine!"
We have been through this many times with Zeke. The rules are, if he is playing with his dump truck and someone else wants to share, he can if he wants to but he doesn't have to. But if he leaves his dump truck alone and someone plays with it, that is okay and he can't just go and grab it back. The last straw for me yesterday was when he said, "I hate that little boy!" I told him that clearly, the dump truck was causing too many problems, so we took it and deposited it back in the car. Screaming and wailing ensued.
Stuff like this happens just about every time we go to the playground. Staying at home watching PBS all day starts to look better and better, you know?
I should say, in both Zeke's and my defense, that I took them to the McDonald's play area a few days ago, and the kids were both totally great. There were a few other little boys there too, and they and Zeke played some weird game involving pirates and ships for like 45 minutes, until the other kids had to go home. There was no pushing, no shoving, no grabbing, and no "I hate you"s. So sometimes things go well. I just really am starting to believe that I don't have the temperament necessary to look after a strong-willed preschooler (but come on, aren't they all strong-willed?) all day every day.
I asked one of the other moms at preschool last week whether she was putting her son in summer session or not. She said (this is almost verbatim), "Oh, no, I was going to, and my mom said I should, but I just couldn't do it! I miss Rain so much and I just want him all to myself this summer! We're going to have so much fun going to swimming lessons and the park..."
I guess that should have made me feel really guilty, but I only felt a little guilty. Mostly I just felt bewildered, because man, I don't feel that way at all. I'm going to be honest with you here, folks; when I drop Zeke at preschool for three hours, I don't spend the entire time missing him, I just feel relieved that I get a short break.
OK, I've probably spent enough time talking about what a crappy mother I am for one day. More happy sunshine and flower updates in the future, I promise.
Posted by Jan at June 15, 2005 7:34 AM
Comments
Yea for honesty. My kids are, as I like to say grown and gone and having children of their own now. But I very well remember. Any kind of a break was sweet relief.
Posted by: Terry at June 15, 2005 2:39 PM
Oh my goodness, Jan...you're singing my song! :)
I just finished my school year (I taught part-time, until Quinn got done with school at 11:15) and now we're both home together. All day long. Just the two of us.
I lasted about 48 hours like this before I called the school and tacked on two more weeks to her summer school schedule! I don't know how I stayed home full-time for 2 1/2 years...I agreed with everything you said about the mind-numbing boredom!!!
There's a reason I teach high school and not 3-year-olds. I love her to death, but I can't spend every waking moment with her anymore. She just doesn't NEED me like she used to...she loves school, she loves being under someone else's loving direction, and I love missing her a little bit during the day.
So please don't feel bad about your post. I think a lot of moms will identify with you!!
Posted by: Amy at June 16, 2005 12:52 AM
I know what you mean about playground stress! My daughter is generally very nice to other kids, but one day we were at the play area in the mall, and she just went up behind a little girl and pushed/hit her on the back. I intervened quickly and asked her why she did that. She said that she was "burning" her! I don't know where she comes up with this stuff! When she went back to say she was sorry, the other girl looked more scared than relieved.
Posted by: Vicki Novak at September 2, 2005 3:16 PM