September 27, 2004
I suppose I could just write about the good stuff in this blog, but that wouldn't be a very accurate (or, let's face it, interesting) record.
We had a not so good day today. I spent the last two hours watching "Zoolander" on DVD and drinking Diet Coke trying to detox from it.
The morning was OK, with the box car racing, and so forth. Then later, after Keith got home and had his nap and then we had dinner, I thought I would take Zeke to the library. Now, I knew this was fraught with peril. The last time I took him to the library, it went OK, but the two times before that, we had to leave early and come home without any books, because he kept running away from me and wouldn't listen when I told him to come back.
So in the car on the way there, we talked about how it is really important not to run away from Mommy, and I outlined what would happen when we got there: we'd return our books, and then we'd go find a few books for Mommy in the grown-up section, and then we'd play a computer game for awhile on the kids' computers they have set up there, and then we'd find books for Zeke. "And then go home!" he said. Right, I said, and then go home.
When we got there, everything was OK for awhile. We returned the books, and Zeke helped put them in the return slot, which he always likes. But then we went into the grown-up section to find books for Mommy, and while I was browsing, he tried to run away from me a few times. Not too far or too fast, just down an aisle or whatever. So then I said, OK, you have to hold my hand now, because running away is not acceptable. He held my hand for a minute, and then started trying to bite my hand. (The hand that feeds him!)
In discussing this with Keith later, we decided that this was where I made my first and biggest mistake. I should have just put the stack of books down and walked out of the library with him right then. We have a rule that biting is absolutely not acceptable, never, ever, no way, and when it happens, Zeke loses privileges or gets a time-out or whatever is appropriate under the circumstances. However, today I really just wanted to get some books and I was tired of having to leave the library early, so I told him to quit biting and didn't actually do anything about it.
He then started doing this thing that he does sometimes where he just lets himself drop to the ground while I'm holding his hand. It jerks my entire body and is really very unpleasant, and I asked him to please stop doing that also. Then he started taking books off the shelves and throwing them on the ground. I decided that it was time to leave the grown-up section and go to the kids' section.
We played one of the Dr. Seuss computer games for awhile, and that went okay. Zeke's getting better at using the mouse. Then we collected some books for Zeke -- actually quite a few books; I was having some trouble carrying them while still holding his hand.
I went back to the grown-up section one last time, and thought that because Zeke had been relatively well-behaved while we got the kids' books, that I could let go of his hand now. Wrong. He raced away from me, and rather than dumping my huge stack of books all over the floor, I yelled after him to stop. He did, but I felt like everyone in the library was staring at me. At this point, I felt like all I'd done since we got to the library was yell Zeke's name and tell him to stop biting me, or stop falling down on purpose, or stop throwing books on the floor, or whatever. I'll tell you the truth, I felt like a really bad mommy, and I never thought I'd be the kind of mommy that yells at her toddler all the time, but all too often that's what happens.
Anyway, I grabbed a few books just so my expedition to the grown-up section wouldn't be a total waste, and went to the front desk. Here I must digress to complain bitterly about the library's new check-out policy. They have all these shiny new self check-out kiosks, which is nice in general, but apparently they also have a new policy that the actual librarians don't check out books unless you have a special problem, like you need to renew something. So I take my humongous stack of books and DVDs and deposit them on the desk in front of this librarian, and she says, "Are you just checking out? You can use that self check-out station right there." I said, "Wait, don't you have to put the DVDs in their cases, though?" and in the middle of her telling me that no, the DVDs come in their cases now, I had to excuse myself and run after Zeke, who was racing for the front doors of the library.
I retrieved him, and told him that now he had to hold my hand. So instead of taking pity on me and checking my books out, the librarian told me again to use the self check-out station. So I'm standing there with my squirming toddler in one hand, trying to check my books out with the other hand, and I was about this close to saying, screw this, and walking out the door sans books. But then a nicer librarian noticed that I was having trouble, and came over and distracted Zeke with stickers while I got checked out. So that was nice.
Then one of my books wouldn't check out for some reason -- when I scanned it, the machine made this really loud "braaaaap" sound and flashed a big stop sign that said "YOU MAY NOT CHECK OUT THIS BOOK" and I am not making this up -- and the nice librarian didn't know why, and then had to go help another patron. So on my way out, I told the mean librarian, "Hey, this book wouldn't check out for some reason, so I'm leaving it here." She gave me absolutely no response except to give me a mean look. Just then, Zeke pulled another fake falling-down on me, which almost made me drop my entire backpack which was full of books, and a couple of people whipped their heads around to stare at us, and you know, it just really, really sucked. The whole thing. Just sucked.
There were all these other parents with young children at the library, and all of their children seemed well-behaved, and the parents seemed patient and reasonable and I felt like the only person who was yelling or upset, and all I wanted to do was take my little boy to the library to get him out of the house for a change. Maybe that's the problem, maybe we're not getting out of the house enough. I don't know. I feel like I'm turning into the kind of mom I swore I'd never be. I am not happy about this.
So if you want to know what's going on in my life right now, that's what's going on. I feel like I completely suck at being a stay-at-home mom, I'm not giving my toddler enough stimulation, all the day cares we've contacted so far have told us there's a lengthy wait list, and I feel guilty about calling day cares in the first place, because I have these ideas that people who are actually good at being mothers don't have to pay other people to watch their children because they can't hack it as stay-at-home moms.
I guess that's all.
Posted by Jan at September 27, 2004 11:28 PM
Comments
Speaking as a librarian, all I can say, BAD, BAD LIBRARIAN, BAD!!
Speaking as someone who knows you, all I can say is, the situation sucked, but you don't -- you're an awesome mom! People don't pay other people to watch their children because they can't hack it as stay at home moms, they do it because they know it's good for their children to have a sane mommy that gets a bit of time to herself.
Posted by: Monica at September 28, 2004 12:07 PM
Yay, Monica, right on!
Posted by: Morrie at September 29, 2004 4:19 PM
You're not a bad mom at all!!! This is completely normal, what we all go through. My last library experience was almost identical. I left the library with steam coming out of my ears when all I was trying to do was have a fun, somewhat educational outing. Zeke's particular age is a trying time! Good luck! I'm glad you guys seem to have a game plan!!! I hope the frustration improves! Don't feel guilty about preschool. Kids like to play with the other kids and participate in group activities and see new people - kind of like adults like to get out of the house too!
Posted by: Connie at October 1, 2004 3:20 PM
Hahaha.. you're NOT a bad mother. There are days when I feel like the biggest shrew in the world, barking orders at my children in the library. And mine are older!
It happens.. and we frequently go home book-less!
Posted by: Christine at October 4, 2004 1:29 PM