December 15, 1999

Keith has been making soap as a Christmas present for all his friends and family for quite some time now. He says it's energy-effective, because you spend about two or three hours making a huge batch of soap, and then when you give the bars to people, they all think, "Wow! He spent two or three hours making ME my present!" Well, true, but that 2-3 hours also contributed to the presents of like 20 other people. It's a good trade-off.

Anyway, this year I've been helping him in his soap-making endeavours. We didn't start early enough, though. We have one batch of chocolate soap (not edible) drying and almost ready to use, and a batch of lavender soap that's still too soft to use. Both should be ready by Christmas, but it's not a very good variety. We're planning to make almond soap this week, but it's not certain whether it will be dry in time for Christmas.

This is all leading into my adventure last night. It started around 3PM. Keith and I had agreed to email each other every day this week in the afternoon to let the other person know what time we expected to be home, and if we both could get home fairly early, we'd make soap that night.

So, around 3PM I emailed Keith at work to tell him that I had a crapload of stuff to do and I wouldn't be able to get home very early at all. He emailed back his regrets (plus some other stuff that I will not reproduce here).

Then around 5PM I unexpectedly finished up early. It was really amazing. I thought I had all this stuff to do, but I just sort of... finished it. So, I called Keith. It was 4:52 PM.

PHONE
Ring, ring.

RECEPTIONIST
Hi, this is Keith's Company. Can I help you?

ME

I'm looking for Keith A., he's a knowledge engineer.

RECEPTIONIST
Hmm, they're actually on the other campus. Hold on, I can transfer you... wait, he's new, right? He doesn't have a phone yet.

ME
He told me he got a phone last week.

RECEPTIONIST
That information has not been given to me at this time.

MY BRAIN
She's scary.

RECEPTIONIST
I'll give you the number of his supervisor, Chris. He can connect you.

ME
Ok, great.

MY BRAIN
I never want to call her again.

PHONE
Ring, ring.

CHRIS
Yo, this is Chris.

ME
Hi, I'm trying to reach Keith A.

CHRIS
Huh. (yells) HEY KEITH! WHAT'S YOUR EXTENSION??

KEITH
(faintly) [something unintelligible]

CHRIS
Yeah, hold on, I'm not too good at this transfering thing. Let's see if I can get it right.

ME
Um, that sounds good.

PHONE
Click.

MY BRAIN
Have I been disconnected? Why isn't it doing anything? Should I hang up? I'd sound stupid if I hung up and then called right back. I don't want to sound stupid. I'll give it a minute.

PHONE
Click.

MY BRAIN
Ack, does that second click mean I've been transferred or that I've been disconnected? I should really hang up now. I'm not going to be...

PHONE
Ring.

MY BRAIN
One ring? This is bizarre. I think I'm still connected. Should I hang up and try again?

PHONE
CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

MY BRAIN
Aaaaaaah!

KEITH
Hey, babe.

ME
Oh, thank God.

KEITH
Huh?

ME
Nevermind. Anyway, I can get off work earlier than I thought, wanna make soap tonight?

KEITH
Well, yes, except I can't catch the 5:00 bus at this point.

ME
Ack. Um, what if I pick you up at the stop downtown for the regular bus? That would save time, right?

KEITH
Sure!

ME
OK, where should I pick you up?

KEITH
You know where the bus tunnel is?

ME
No.

KEITH
Huh. OK, you know where the big neon sculpture is?

MY BRAIN
Big neon sculpture? Do I know where that is?

ME
Sure.

MY BRAIN
Why did you say that?! I wasn't done thinking! I don't know where it is really! Well, I might. Or I might not. Why did you say that?!

KEITH
Huh, OK.. well, the neon sculpture is right by the bus tunnel. So.. you know where we walked to the theater that one time and there's all the plaques set into the ground next to the trees?

MY BRAIN
Yes, I remember the damn plaques but I have no idea where they are in relationship to anything else.

ME
Sorta.

KEITH
OK, I'll look for you there. Are you sure you can find it?

ME
I'll find it. Downtown, by the neon sculpture next to the bus tunnel, where all the trees with plaques are. How hard could that be?

KEITH
OK. See you then.

PHONE
Click. Ha ha.

ME
What?

PHONE
Nothing.

OK, so flash forward about an hour to 6PM, which is when I left work. I figured that Keith's bus arrived downtown around 6:50PM, so if I planned to get there around 6:30 I'd have plenty of time to walk around on foot and find the trees with plaques.

MY BRAIN
La la la la, picking up Keith at the bus stop, la la la la, singing along with Christmas carols on the radio, la la la. La la.. oo, there's my exit. I get off here. OK, now I have to find the neon sculpture. Neon sculpture, neon sculpture.. I know! I know that the bus tunnel is near the convention center, so I'll follow those signs that say Convention Center!

Ten minutes pass by.

MY BRAIN
Why can't I get to the damn Convention Center?!? I can see it from here! Every time I try to make a left turn to get to it, the street is blocked or it's one way going the wrong way! What kind of stupid city makes three parallel streets that are going one way the same direction?!? This sucks so much. Oh wait, I can make a left here. OK, here we go, Convention Center time. I'm on my way. Uh-oh, I'm pretty far away now. I think I need to make another left. Here, I can do it here... ack, one way street. OK, next left.. another one way street. All right, then, the next left... why is there a sign saying NO TURNS?? I'll turn anyway. ACK! OK, better not do that, don't want to run over the nice pedestrians.

Ten more minutes pass by.

MY BRAIN
OK, we're at the frigging Convention Center. I hate conventions. I hate pedestrians. I hate one way streets. I wish Keith were here. Where is the stupid bus tunnel? I don't see a neon sculpture anywhere. Is that a tree with a plaque?... I can't quite see... ACK! Sorry, Mr. Pedestrian! OK, let's focus on finding the big neon sculpture and forget the little plaques on trees for awhile. Neon sculpture, neon sculpture, neon sculpture, how hard could it be to find a huge neon sculpture? I'll just drive around the Convention Center until I find it.

Five minutes pass by.

MY BRAIN
WHY CAN'T I DRIVE AROUND THE CONVENTION CENTER? How can it be impossible to circle this building? What kind of messed up traffic plan is this?? There is no neon sculpture anywhere! I give up, maybe it's a few blocks away from the Convention Center.

Fifteen minutes of fighting with one way streets ensue.

MY BRAIN
Hmm, there's a huge-ass neon star on that department store. I bet that's what he meant. That thing is like 50 feet tall. It's huge. I'll park the car and find the bus tunnel.

GUY AT BUS TUNNEL
Can I have some change?

ME
No.

MY BRAIN
Where is Keith? This is the bus tunnel. But these stupid trees don't have plaques. Oh, crap, I'm late, what if he left? No, he wouldn't leave, I'm only a few minutes late. I wish I knew his pager number. Maybe I should try to find the trees with plaques.

ME
Um, hi.

HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE DRIVER
Yeah?

ME
Do you know of a street around here where the trees all have little plaques on them?

DRIVER
(gives me a look)

ME
Seriously, I need to know.

DRIVER
Try across the street.

ME
OK, thanks.

MY BRAIN
There are no plaques on those trees, she just thought you were crazy and wanted to get rid of you. Let's walk around downtown for awhile and see if we can find Keith.

MY BRAIN
Who are you talking to?

MY BRAIN
Nobody.

20 minutes pass by.

MY BRAIN
It's really cold and windy. Where is Keith? I bet he left.

YOUNG GUY WITH CRAZY LOOK IN HIS EYES
Can I have some change?

ME
Do you know where there's a street around here with plaques on the trees?

GUY
OOOH, yeah, you mean that like say what kind of tree they are??

ME
Yeah.

GUY
Shit, I can see those goddamn trees, where are they? I don't think they're on Pike, not too many trees on Pike.. maybe up a block and over? I'd try there.. HEY! Are you two familiar with the downtown??

NICELY DRESSED COUPLE
No. (hurry to get past us)

GUY WITH CRAZY LOOK IN HIS EYES
(yelling after them) WELL, THANKS ANYWAY! Anyway, I'd try there.

ME
Here's 75 cents.

Ten minutes later.

MY BRAIN
We should give up. He has to have left by now. It's like practically 8. We should go home. It's warm there and it sucks here.

ME
Let's hang out by the bus tunnel some more just in case.

Half an hour later.

ME
I'm going home.

Half an hour later.

KEITH
Where've you been?

ME
Where were you?!? I couldn't find you or the stupid trees with plaques, and nobody in the whole stupid downtown area knew where they were either?

KEITH
(sympathetically) Aw, hon, I knew those were bad directions right after I hung up the phone. You can't even see those plaques in the dark.

ME
Sniff.

KEITH
I waited at the bus tunnel.

ME
No you didn't. I was at the bus tunnel and you weren't. The bus tunnel is underneath the big neon star at the Bon Marche.

KEITH (looks embarrassed)
Erm. That's ONE entrance to the bus tunnel, yes.

ME
There's more than one? You didn't tell me that.

KEITH
(in a very small voice) Oops.

ME
But there was a big neon sculpture by the one I was at.

KEITH
Uh, yeah. I forgot about that star. I meant the other neon sculpture.

ME
Let's order pizza and forget this ever happened.

KEITH
OK. I love you.

ME
I love you too.

Anyway, that was my adventure last night. I hope it entertained you as much as it did me.

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