December 8, 1999
Having a bad day today. Keith woke me up at, I don't know, early this morning, maybe 7 (my alarm is set for 8) to ask me if it was OK for him to use the car. I said OK, but said it grumpily and petulantly enough that he could tell I wasn't happy, and an emotional discussion ensued wherein he told me how he felt, which is that he's been doing a lot for me and I haven't been doing a lot for him.
I didn't know he was upset at all, and wasn't really prepared at 7AM having just woken up to deal with it very well, either, so I got all upset too, and it was just a bad scene.
I guess I don't do as much for him as he does for me. I never make his lunch, I don't run his bath for him, I don't do the laundry for him, I don't ... well, I could go on but it would just make me more depressed.
Anyway, that basically set the tone for the whole day. I just haven't been able to combat this incipient depression. It's moving in like a storm front, you know? Partly it's probably hormonal, because I did start my period yesterday, but partly I'm just, I dunno, not feeling really upbeat lately.
I keep feeling like I'm a disappointment to Keith because I want a second car, or because I'm not as strong and independent as I used to be, or.. I don't know. I feel like I'm changing his life in ways he doesn't want to change it.
Last night I got home from work at like 8 PM and decided to call out for Thai food, and just as I was leaving to go pick it up, Keith walked in, and I said, "Hey, want to go get the food with me?" and he said sure. Well, I needed to get cash, but I was just going to stop at the 7-11 cash station or whatever, and screw the fee. Then I asked Keith where the nearest ATM was, and he's like "well, there's Seafirst ATMs at the Safeway at 145th, and the one up around 160th", both of which were like a 10 minute drive away. So I said, "couldn't I just get cash at like, that 7-11?" And he said, "yeah, if you want to pay the three dollars in fees". So, instead of going to the 7-11, I went all the way to 145th, and then Keith said we could pick up a drain stop, and we looked for one, but they didn't have one, and THEN we finally went to pick up the food.
Through all of this I was so exhausted I couldn't even get my eyes to focus properly. I'd put 12 hours in at work that day without even a lunch break, and I had to ask Keith to drive us home because I couldn't concentrate on the road. I didn't want to go clear to Safeway for cash, and I didn't want to look for the drain stop thing either, but Keith said he did, so I went ahead, because it wasn't really a big deal.
Then this morning one of the things Keith mentioned that he was upset about was that last night he hadn't really even wanted to go get the food, he would have rather stayed home and Drano'ed the drain and cleared the table off and stuff, but he went anyway because he knows that I value our time together more than he does, or something to that effect, and also he thought we were just going for food and didn't realize we'd wind up on a 20-minute Safeway excursion.
I guess it's just a failure in communication more than anything else. I mean, why would he tell me to go to the far-away cash machine and suggest getting a drain stop if he didn't even want to go pick up the food in the first place? He could have just said, "I want to stay home" and that would have been cool with me.
I think I've maybe just thrown too many fits about not getting to spend enough time with him and now he's burned and doesn't know how to treat me anymore.
I'm so depressed. Blah. I feel like if I express my upset to Keith, I'm just making things worse and making him think I'm an emotional wreck who can't take care of herself (probably true), but if I keep it to myself I'm not being honest with him. I don't know what to do or how to act or what to say. I don't want to hurt him or upset him any more than I already have.
Does this make sense to anyone out there?
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