December 7, 1999

Well, I'm back at last. I apologize for the horribly long break I took, but first my leg hurt, and then I had to do Christmas shopping, and then I hurt my leg, and well... excuses, excuses. The important thing is, I'm back, and updating regularly again! Until December 22, that is. Then I'll take a few days off again. But you'll be OK with advance warning, right?

Lots of things have been happening lately. I completely finished my Christmas shopping, for one thing. Everybody is going to get lots of cool stuff from me. I probably spent way too much on Christmas presents, but I couldn't help it. I love Christmas, and one of the things I love most about it is buying presents for other people. I think of it as an art form.

I'm really serious about this. You can't just go out and buy somebody exactly what they say they want. That's their Mom's job. Or their job, if they're old enough. For example, I called my Mom to ask her what my 16-year-old brother wants for Christmas. She said, "Either CDs or a gold chain." Now, if I were to actually get him either CDs or a gold chain, he would be happy with it, but he would know in his heart that the only reason I got it was because I called up Mom and asked her what he wanted, and got him exactly what she said. There's no fun in that. That's not a gift from the heart.

So instead I went to Toys R Us and got him the biggest Super Soaker they make. Now THAT is expressive of my personality as well as something I think he'll really like (and I don't care what the rest of the family thinks. Ha ha.). I also got Keith some stuff at Toys R Us but I can't say what, because he reads the journal sometimes and it's supposed to be a surprise. I'll tell you after Christmas.

In Keith-related news. I was sort of bummed for awhile because I realized how dependent I was on Keith. It all came to a head one night last week. Keith was working late -- well, he wasn't really WORKING late, but he was coming home late because his commute really sucks -- and he didn't get home until around 6:45 PM. We ate dinner and watched some lame TV, and then at 9 PM he announced that he was going to bed because he was tired. Well, that really took me off guard, because I'd been looking forward to his getting home ever since *I* got home at like 6, and for him to say he was going to bed two hours after he got home was sort of upsetting. I expressed my upset, and we talked about it at the time, but what I realized the next day was that it feels ridiculous to me to be upset when I "only" get to see my boyfriend two hours a day. I mean, I live with him. I see him all the damn time. This weird dependency obviously means I need to get out more.

I called my Mom yesterday and talked to her for awhile about Christmas and stuff, and brought this up, and she agreed with me. She said that it's natural for me to have adjustment problems and be homesick, but that it would really help me to get out of the house and go do stuff. So, I think I will. I think I'm going to start taking flute lessons again, and maybe try to find a book club to join. I just can't sit at home every night waiting for Keith to come home. It's hurting our relationship, because he wants to take care of me and protect me, but he just doesn't have the emotional resources to be there for me 24 hours a day -- and that's not the type of person I want to be, either. I'm used to being very independent and alone most of the time, and this weird dependency has got to stop.

I really do think that getting out more and meeting new people will help. Seattle is a great place (well, when it's not being tear gassed), and I'm not sorry I left Chicago. Not that Chicago sucked or anything, but I realized on my visit back that I'm glad I left. I think I'd exhausted its possibilities for me. When I left, I felt strongly that the time had come for me to move on, and when I visited, I knew I'd made the right decision.

I had a great time on my trip, but it didn't make me want to have my old life -- my college life -- back. I don't want to be poor, lonely, and living in a rat hole of an apartment. I don't want to live in the middle of all that pollution and traffic and bitter cold. For awhile, I thought I did, but I don't anymore. I like my new life here. I *will* get used to it, and find my own friends, it'll just be slow.

OK, I think that's enough update for now. More tomorrow when my fingers have recovered.

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