November 4, 1999

This is going to be a short entry today. My shoulders are killing me and I need coffee. But I do have good news.

I'm sure you all realize that the election was two days ago. If not, crawl out of your cave and pay some attention to what's going on.

Anyway, my Uncle Mark was up for city councilman in Zanesville, OH, which is where I'm from, and guess what? He won! I called him last night to congratulate him on taking the first step toward the Presidency. He says that he's going to start small, maybe the state legislature, you know, work his way up.

I asked him if this means that now I have to call him sir, and he said no, but next time I'm home he fully expects me to come bringing gifts of Big Macs and fries.

So now I have a relative in government. Is that groovy, or what?

OK, my shoulders are really killing me, not sure why, so I'm leaving off for now. I may continue this entry later if I start feeling better.

Later.OK, it's later and I'm feeling much better. Had some coffee, the sun isn't quite so bright, things are good.

One of the lawyers I work for just wandered in and mentioned that it's scary that I was sitting in here with the lights off, because Lisa, my predecessor, used to do the same thing. Brigid (lawyer I work for) said, "Yeah, she sort of needed that, because she had such a Gothic outlook.. what she REALLY needed was one of those big drippy silver candelabras in here. Want me to get you one? Then all you'd need is some black nail polish and you'd be set!"

I'm considering coming in tomorrow wearing a black floor-length skirt, white pancake makeup and black nail polish, just to throw them off.

Keith stuff. I'm still getting used to being less independent than I used to be. Not that I've given up doing the things I like to do, but I don't live alone anymore, and my finances aren't solely my finances, and everything in my life is now shared with another person.

Luckily, I love this other person very much. It's just difficult, wanting to go buy new clothes and thinking, "Hmm, since this IS going to cut into our rent budget, I should probably clear it with Keith first". Or being at home and realizing that there aren't any fresh clean towels, because the last one got used when I wasn't paying attention. Or.. well, there's lots of stuff like that. I'm just not as much of a loner as I used to be.

I know that Keith is even more used to being a loner than I am, so I wonder what effect all of this is having on him. Sometimes he's quiet and reserved, and I don't know what he's thinking in those moments. Sometimes I ask him, and he tells me. Sometimes I don't ask him, because I know he's a private person. I just wonder.

I wonder where our relationship is going. Maybe it's premature of me to be wondering that, only four short months after we moved in with each other, but hey, we did move in with each other, and that's a big step in the direction of long-term commitment. But are we always going to just be living with each other? We know a couple like that. They've been living with each other forever, and they may as well be married, but... they aren't. Is that to be our model?

What about kids? Far in my future I see happy children that look vaguely like me and vaguely like Keith and do brilliant things and fall and scrape their knees and learn to ride bikes and bring home homework for us to look over. Does Keith see that in his future? Does he look that far ahead? I'm not really sure. We don't talk about it much.

We did talk about it once, not too long ago. Keith said something to the effect that he isn't sure he wants to alter his life that much. He said that he looks at the lives of our friends who have children, and how it's changed their social lives, and how they've changed, and he isn't sure that he wants to do that.

Maybe he's just being cautious, too, because we only moved in four months ago and isn't that a little early to be talking about kids? But we did move in with each other, and doesn't that mean something?

Do men think about relationships like this? I don't know if they do.

I think I'm just having trouble finding that middle ground between total independence and total dependence. I don't want to be totally independent again. It was scary, for one thing, and it made me a harsh and abrasive person. It happens, when you have to look out for yourself every minute of every hour of every day. But I really don't want to be totally dependent either, and I know that Keith doesn't want that. So I have to find some kind of happy medium.

Things I'm Happy About I have someone to snuggle up with at night. There's a library within walking distance of our house. Our car runs. I don't work at McDonald's anymore, and I won't ever again. My uncle is a councilman. I have a good salary. My eyes are beautiful. My family loves me. Keith loves me. There's free coffee at work.

Encouraging news. I took the Keirsey Temperament Sorter the other day, for the first time in a couple years. I used to be ISTJ, but now I'm not. I took both of the tests on their site and they both said I was INFJ. That means that according to their test, I'm now more prone to introspection and emotion, and less cerebral and judgmental than I used to be. I can only think of this as a good thing. I used to think that being cerebral and standing by your beliefs in a steadfast manner, never letting anyone change your mind, was a good trait. I don't really think that anymore. I feel more pliable, somehow, more open to suggestion, more easygoing. I like people more than I used to. I used to think I hated everybody, and now I look back at that and wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

OK, I've managed to talk myself out of an incipient bad mood, so once again this journal has served its purpose. Just in time for the end of work, too.

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