November 2, 1999

You may recall that last week I had to call our ISP for some technical support issues. Well, unfortunately I had to call them back today to follow up, and it wasn't pretty. They tried to explain to me that they've been undergoing reorganization, but unless their idea of "reorganization" is "fire all our competent employees and hire mentally challenged five year olds", I'm not buying it.

PHONE
Ring, ring.

ISP CHICK
Hey, this is yer ISP, how can I help y'all?

MY BRAIN
Oh Jesus God in Heaven, not again. Have I sinned, O Lord?

ME
Hi, we were just wondering why our web stats aren't updating.

ISP CHICK
Hold on.

PHONE
"Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl.."

MY BRAIN
They choose Barry Manilow for their hold music. This surprises me not a whit.

MY BRAIN
Hmm, I wonder what I should get for dinner tonight. Maybe a frozen pizza. I don't think we have any groceries. Wait, maybe that turkey in the freezer... yeah, I could make that with--

PHONE
Click!

MY BRAIN
Oh thank God, she's back.

PHONE
Thanks for holding! We appreciate your call a lot!

MY BRAIN
You sick bastards.

PHONE
"I write the songs that make the whole world sing.."

MY BRAIN
This is Barry Manilow's fault. When I go crazy and shoot fifteen people in my office, I am going to blame it all on Barry. You didn't write the songs that make the whole world sing, Barry. You wrote the songs that make us retch. We don't love you, Barry. Stop singing, Barry. STOP SINGING STOP THE GODAWFUL SINGING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

PHONE
Click.

MY BRAIN
I'm saved.

PHONE
Seriously, thanks for holding.

ME
Go to hell!

PHONE
"...she wore a diamond in her hair, and a dress cut down to there!..."

MY BRAIN
I'm not getting paid enough for this.

PHONE
I could take you off hold any time, I just don't feel like it.

MY BRAIN
Great, now the phone is taunting me. I'm losing my freaking mind.

PHONE
Click.

ME
This is just one of your little tricks, isn't it? Well, I'm not falling for it this time.

ISP CHICK
Um, yeah. I don't know how to fix yer problem. I'm giving you this code and transferring you to the other line.

ME
Great. Have a nice day, y'all.

ISP CHICK
Have a nice day, y'all.

PHONE
Ring, ring.

PHONE
Ha ha. I have you in my clutches again. "...his name was Rico, he wore a diamond.."

ME
You'll rue the day you crossed me.

MY BRAIN
I wonder what the weather is like in Chicago. Wow, not bad. Sucks here. I'll load the weather report for here too. Yep, sucks. What about the weather back in Ohio? Wow, sucks there too. The weather really sucks.

PHONE
Click.

MY BRAIN
Cool, this line has much faster response.

PHONE
You're still on hold. Don't even think for a minute that you're not.

ME
Goddammit.

TERESA
Are you swearing at the phone?

ME
Yes.

TERESA
OK.

PHONE
"..copacabaaaaaana.."

MY BRAIN
Oh, look, new email. Oh, groovy, it's from our customer rep at the ISP. It must be a response to my earlier email asking them if they're ever going to get back to us.

TEXT OF EMAIL FROM ISP, WHICH I AM NOT MAKING UP
"Um, give me one more day, I swear... what's your company name again?"

MY BRAIN
Oh dear Lord. I cannot believe this is happening.

PHONE
Click.

MY BRAIN
I don't want to believe you again, but yet I must, for I have hope that someday I will no longer be on the phone to these evil, evil people.

PHONE
Ha ha, fooled you. But thanks for holding!

MY BRAIN
Oh, hell.

PHONE
"...and she came and she saw without taking!..."

ME
Why me, God?

ISP GUY
Yeah, hi.. do you have a code? OK, lemme see if I can look at this problem here..

MY BRAIN
Pleasepleaseplease don't put me on hold again.

ISP GUY
I'm just gonna put you on hold for a second here.

PHONE
Guess who's back?

ME
I hate everybody.

PHONE
"Maaaaaandy!..."

MY BRAIN
My ear hurts. But what if I switch ears and then in mid-ear transfer, they come back from hold and I'm not there so they hang up on me? I can't go through all this again. I won't! But my ear hurts. Oh God what should I do?

PHONE
Click.

ME
Why must you taunt me?

ISP GUY
Uh, yeah, what was your company name again?

ME
Didn't I just tell you that a minute ago?

ISP GUY
Yeah, but I wrote it down on a post it note and I lost it. Sorry.

ME
Um, right. It's My Company, and that's with an M.

ISP GUY
Got it. Just gonna put you on hold for one more second here.

ME
But..

PHONE
Loser.

ME
Don't taunt me. I know your number.

PHONE
Ooh, threats. Whatcha gonna do, LOSER?

ME
Quit taunting me. You're just the phone.

PHONE
No, I am the ALL POWERFUL phone, who determines when you will be on hold and when you will not! Bow down to me!

MY BRAIN
I did nothing to deserve this. I pay my taxes.

PHONE
Click.

ME
You bastard.

ISP GUY
I have no idea how to fix your problem. I'm emailing these other people, maybe they'll know. I'll get back to you.

PHONE
Click.

BOSS
So did you hear from the ISP?

ME
(shows him the email)

BOSS
Oh dear Lord. Did someone's five year old child sneak into her office and write that? Give me the phone.

PHONE
Ring, ring.

PHONE
Hi, this is G., at yer ISP. I'm not in right now, but leave a message if you have one, but if you don't have one and you just need tech support, call the tech support line, because I'm not tech support, and if your call is about new services call the new service number because I don't do that either, thanks and have a nice day, buh bye.

BOSS
(hangs up in disgust)

So anyway, that's basically how my day has gone so far. I have news about Christmas travel plans and the gift I'm getting for Mom and Amanda, but frankly I don't have the energy left to tell the story today.

Back       Next       Journal Home