October 25, 1999

When I interviewed to work here, my interviewer and future boss was really impressed that I had all this tech support stuff on my resume. "Wow!" he must have thought, "she's a computer guru!" Well, it's true, I really do know quite a bit about how to fix a computer. It was all there on my resume, all the operating systems I'm familiar with and the programs I know how to use, it was laid out for anyone to see.

What my resume did NOT say was, "I am a networking guru! Ask me how to network! I am a network administrator!" Why did it not say this? Because I don't know jack shit about networks, that's why. I've never had to, I've never been trained to, it's a vast empty space in the otherwise verdant fields of my brain. I am a networking idiot.

Unfortunately my boss does not understand this. He believes that since I am a computer guru, I am equally guru-iffic at all things relating to computers, including networking. And so it began, two weeks ago.

BOSS
Hey, Jan, I want you to research how to switch our internal network from AppleTalk to TCP/IP, because I heard it's faster.

MY BRAIN
Oh God no.

ME
Well, I can see what I can find on the Web, but I should warn you that I don't really know much about networking, in fact I'm more or less clueless.

BOSS
(heartily chuckles) Ha ha, I'm sure you'll do fine, you're great with computers.

ME
Argh.

(three days later)

BOSS
So Jan, how's that TCP/IP thing coming along?

MY BRAIN
Oh God no.

ME
Well, there doesn't seem to be a lot of info about it on the web... really, I'm pretty clueless about networking, maybe someone else would be better to ask about this.

BOSS
Ha ha. Well, keep working on it and keep me updated.

ME
Argh.

A week later.

ME
I am going crazy. This is why I quit network support. Argh.

Teresa
Why don't you call John?

ME
John? Nobody mentioned JOHN. Who is this John person? Can he fix our AppleTalk IP thing?

TERESA
John does network stuff. Here's his number.

A few days later.

BOSS
You called JOHN? But he charges by the hour! Try to keep the meeting short, okay?

MY BRAIN
Ha ha. I'll keep you updated.

A week later.

JOHN
Blah blah TCP/IP blah Appletalk blah blah new G4s blah.

MY BRAIN
Wow, he looks like Paul McCartney.

ME and TERESA
Uh-huh.

JOHN
Blah blah routers blah TCP/IP blah.

MY BRAIN
He totally looks like Paul McCartney. Except the young cute McCartney, not old weird McCartney from that video with Michael Jackson in it. What the hell was that video about, anyway?

JOHN
So anyway, do you guys have questions for me?

ME
Yes. I was wondering about this specific issue of TCP/IP vs. AppleTalk and how we should implement that.

JOHN
[answers question in concise, succint fashion]

MY BRAIN
Cool, maybe I can get out of this lame meeting pretty soon.

TERESA
So John, I have this vague question about stuff that I don't really understand, that you're not the appropriate person to ask.. can you answer that?

JOHN
Why yes, Teresa, as I am a consultant and am being paid by the minute, I would be more than happy to answer your vague question with a vague answer. This is really basic information that anyone could figure out by reading the FileMaker help files, but what the hey, I'm getting paid by the minute.

TERESA
That sounds good, John! To fully enhance this experience, I will periodically interject with more vaguely worded questions about stuff that I understand just enough about to ask a vague question.

JOHN
Yay! Did I mention I get paid by the minute?

MY BRAIN
God is punishing me for my sins.

JOHN
TCP/IP blah FileMaker Pro blah server blah blah FileMaker server blah FileBlah, iMac blah blah.

CRAZY GUY IN HALLWAY
AAAAAAAH!! Don't touch me! AAAAAAAH!!

JOHN
MacTCP blah blah domain issues blah FTP site blah service provider blah blah blah.

CRAZY GUY IN HALLWAY
(comes into the room) AAAAAAAAH!! NO TOUCHING!! AAAAAAAAAH!!

MY BRAIN
I am going to die here in this miserable conference room. Why God, why?

CRAZY GUY WHO USED TO BE IN HALLWAY BUT IS NOW IN ROOM
AAAAAAH!! BUGS! (leaves room)

JOHN, TERESA, and ME
...

JOHN
So anyway, blah blah blah blah, maybe I could show you some things on your computers now?

ME
Sounds good! I'll lead the way.

JOHN
So right here is how you'd set that up.

ME
Cool.

MY BRAIN
Awesome, that's all I needed to know, maybe now he'll leave.

TERESA
So John, I have more vague questions about programs that Jan never uses, could you answer those for me?

JOHN
I'd be happy to! Here, let me explain in full detail everything about this program that Jan never uses. I will go through pros, cons, more pros, more cons, and then I will do it all again.

TERESA
That sounds good, John. I will, as usual, interject periodically with vague questions that aren't really about what you're talking about, so that you will go off on unrelated tangents.

JOHN
It's good to get paid by the minute.

MY BRAIN
God hates me.

JOHN
Blah blah blah teleblah CAT 5 cable blah blah ethernet blah FileMaker blah my cats blah.

TERESA
But what about blah?

JOHN
Well, the implications of that are blah blah blah blah blah.

Two hours pass by.

JOHN
Blah blah TCP/IP blah and then you're done!

MY BRAIN, awaking from NUMB HORROR
Could this be... the end? Could I be free at last?

TERESA
But what about blah?

JOHN
I'd be happy to answer that for you in mind-numbing detail!

MY BRAIN
There is no God. And the real Paul McCartney would never be this cruel.

JEAN
Jan, after you're done with this meeting can you stop by my office?

ME
Sure.

MY BRAIN
Ha ha. I will never be done with this meeting. I am in Hell and John is a minion of Satan.

JOHN
So anyway maybe I should tell you more about this rarely implemented software set that you don't need to get because your company is so small?

TERESA
Good idea, John! Perhaps we should consider that, since I don't know what I'm talking about, ever.

JOHN
But of course. (rubs hands together in glee after looking at watch)

Another hour and a half passes by.

JOHN
Blah blah blah guess I'll be leaving then.

MY BRAIN
Too... weak... cannot.... go on... did he say "leaving"??

TERESA
Oh wait, can you help us install this ridiculously simple piece of hardware that Jan or I could install in about five minutes with no trouble?

JOHN
I love you guys.

MY BRAIN
I hate everybody. Kill...kill...kill...kill...kill...kill...

Half an hour later, John finally leaves and I collapse into my chair in total exhaustion. Did I mention that this is why I quit tech support?

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