October 21, 1999
Keith has an interview today! I'm so excited. We're not sure if this is a company he'll really want to work for, and who knows if they'll even make an offer, but regardless, I'm excited that he has an interview. It's the first tangible sign that something is really happening with his job search. He's been working on his program for a really long time, and he spent a few days polishing his resume and asking for comments on his program, but this is the first sign from the outside world that we've really had. I feel like things are starting to move, and it's a good feeling.
Last night I told him how upset I was about his expressed doubt about the future of our relationship. We had a good long talk about it, which turned out to be productive, and made me feel a lot better. Keith tends to think hard about his choice of words, and also tends to be concise in his language, so often when he says something, there's a whole world of meaning attached to it that I might not be aware of. So, when we talk about something like this, it's good, because it allows me to align his meaning with my meaning; it allows me to understand what he really meant, and all the thoughts that went into the short thing he said that upset me so much.
He told me that he does love me very much, but that he doesn't want to take me for granted or assume that I'll always be there. He also told me that it's OK for a couple to both work, and be partners that way, or for one of the partners to stay home in order to take care of kids or whatever, but that he feels a little odd about being a stay-at-home partner who doesn't have a real set duty. I think he meant that he feels like he's not providing for me the way he feels he should.
I told him that first of all, I know he doesn't take me for granted, and he CAN assume that I'll always be there, because I have NO plans of leaving him, ever. And I told him that he shouldn't feel bad about not being the provider he wants to be, because he just started the job search, and it's OK that he didn't have a job before, because he didn't need one. It was only moving in with me that prompted the financial crisis that led to his needing a job (the house rent deposit really depleted our savings).
He told me then, that he just didn't feel like he could promise me that he'd love me forever, because he didn't want to make a promise he wasn't sure he could keep.
At first this made me very upset. I pushed him away and went upstairs and cried and thought for awhile. Then something happened; I heard the downstairs door open and close. I really freaked out then, and ran downstairs, because I thought he'd left to go for a drive or a walk, and I realized that I really didn't want him to leave, so I ran downstairs to run out and stop him and tell him to come back, that it was okay.
It turns out he wasn't leaving, he was just putting the garbage out back. But I hugged him anyway, because that terrible feeling of hearing him leave made me realize that I didn't want to fight with him, and I didn't want to force him to promise something he didn't feel right about promising. I just wanted him there with me, to hold and comfort me, and love me and take care of me. And he was there, and he hadn't left, and that was a really good feeling.
I told him that it was OK that he couldn't make that promise to me, but that I wished he didn't always have to be quite so logical. He kissed me and hugged me and said, "Does this mean that now it's time to have really hot make-up sex? Because if we only fight twice a year we aren't going to get the chance very often."
How could I not love him?
Do you like me? I mean, really like me? One of the mailing lists I subscribe to has been having this discussion about notify lists lately. I don't really see the point in having one, since I update almost daily, but then someone pointed out that if you update at different TIMES of the day, it might be a nice service for regular readers. So what do you guys think? Should I have a notify list? And if so, do you want it to be interactive (like, a mailing list?) Let me know.
Dance to the music. I've been thinking about taking dance lessons with Keith. He's amenable, and I think it would be fun. There's this place in Seattle called the Century Ballroom that offers lessons for beginners through advanced, and I think it would be a real blast to take salsa or swing lessons. It would also be yet another way of getting a good workout, although tae bo has really been kicking my ass all by itself.
In other Seattle news, I've been corresponding with one of my regular readers about whether I should get tickets to the Pacific Northwest Ballet or the Seattle Symphony Orchestra. I'm really into classical music, so I'd like to get more involved with the music scene in the area. He suggested that I try the ballet, since it's one of the best in the country, and it includes orchestral music as well as dancing. I think I might; it's been a long time since I went to the ballet, and ... OK, apart from "The Nutcracker", I've never really been to the ballet. I'd love to start, though.
I guess I'm trying to make myself a more "well-rounded" person, in general. Now that I'm out of college, I'm in charge of my own self-education and I'm trying not to screw it up. I've been getting books from the library on subjects I'm not familiar with (like world religion and gardening), and I'm trying to get out and take in more arts-type stuff (dancing, orchestra, etc.)
I don't want to live my life just going to work and coming home and surfing the Web. I want to be an informed and educated person. I want to make a contribution to the world around me. Does that sound cheesy? It probably does, but it's one of my lifetime goals, nonetheless.
Do you have lifetime goals? You know, "something I want to do before I die"? Let me know and I'll publish the list in one of my upcoming entries. I've been really feeling interactive lately, can you tell?