October 20, 1999
Thanks to everybody who wrote and told me they read the site. It makes me feel good to know that I'm not writing all this and sending it out into the ether to be unread by anyone save myself.
I had a semi-bad night last night. I'm still adjusting to the Pill, and once again I was having bad mood swings. I read once somewhere that stress is a cumulative thing. For example, if you drive to work and your boss yells at you, that might not be enough to cause you to break down. But if you wake up and spill milk at breakfast, and then you encounter horrendous traffic on the way to work, and then at work your boss yells at you, that will be enough to cause you to freak out.
I guess I've just been under more stress lately than I thought I was. Moving out here and leaving all my friends and family behind has been difficult, and not only did I move and leave everything familiar behind, I started a completely new level of my relationship with Keith. I went from being a completely independent college student living on her own with a small social circle, to being a live-in lover who basically gloms off of her boyfriend's social circle.
I usually don't think of it in quite as harsh terms, but last night I was pretty depressed. I had this vision that once I graduated from college, I'd be able to buy everything I wanted, and I'd have no financial worries ever again, and everything would be perfect and simple.
God laughs at hubris like that. Obviously it hasn't been a perfect ride, and sometimes I just get a little bummed about that.
Last night, I think it was the combination of unpaid bills, hormonal mood changes caused by the Pill, and the fact that Keith was in a bad mood. I just felt so down and depressed about everything, and then he was in a bad mood too so he couldn't really help me cheer up. Like, Keith went to bed and then I crawled into bed too, but I couldn't sleep, so I got back out of bed and wandered downstairs and had a good cry into a pillow for awhile.
I felt much better this morning, and I think he did too.
One thing that sort of bothers me about my relationship with him, which in other ways is as good as I could have ever hoped it would be, is that he's expressed this doubt about whether we'll always be together. The first time was a few weeks after I arrived. I said something, and then he said, "yeah, if we're still together in a few years". I was like, "What? You don't think we'll be together? Is there something wrong with our relationship that you're not telling me?"
He said no, he just doesn't know what the future holds. I shrugged it off, but then a few days ago I was in a sort of down mood and I asked him if he still had that doubt about the future of our relationship. He said, "a little. Less than I did a few months ago, but still some.. I'll probably have less once I get a job."
I guess I just don't get it. Once he has a job, he'll feel more secure about his love for me? Huh? Sigh. I'm going to talk to him about this, because I don't think he realizes how much it's been preying on my mind. Also because I'd rather bring it up with him in person than have him read about it in my journal.
Back to the survey. OK, some more of Chuck's survey. Here we go.
8. What world-changing event occurred on October 29, 1962?
Uh, gee. Chuck's birthday? Who cares. Moving along.
9. When did you learn the truth about Santa Claus?
You know, I never really had a big revelatory moment where I first realized that, gasp, Santa Claus was MY MOM. I always sort of knew it was her. It just made sense. Why would Mom be the one asking me what I wanted for Christmas, and going out shopping, if Santa was the one who brought the goods? Obviously, it had to be Mom. I think that sometimes when I was a kid I was too logical for my own good.
10. What was your first paying job?
Babysitting for my Aunt Kathy. This was a steady gig for like three years. I watched my cousins Michael and Megan, every Saturday night. We had a pretty good time. Mike had a Nintendo, so I honed my skills by playing Super Mario Kart and Rampage against him, and for variety we'd play Candy Land or Junior Trivial Pursuit with him and Megan together. Although Mike and I agreed that Junior Trivial Pursuit was insultingly easy.
11. Mighty Mouse or Underdog?
Underdog, obviously. The great American myth is that the underdog always comes out on top, so clearly as a nation we must root for Underdog over the pretentious and hubristic Mighty Mouse. Sheesh.
12. What's your favorite smell? What memory does it evoke?
I like the smell of the air after a good rainstorm. It reminds me of Ohio. And surprisingly, it doesn't happen often here in Seattle. For all their bitching about the constant rain, it really doesn't rain very much. It gets misty sometimes, or drizzly, but never really a good rain.
More survey tomorrow.