October 12, 1999

At work we had an hour and a half-long meeting with the people who do our production work. It was really different, being a member of the meeting, rather than just the junior/student employee who sits around playing computer games waiting for the meeting to be over. It reminded once again that now I'm a grownup (sort of).

I don't feel like a grownup. I mean, I have a real job and I'm co-renting a house with my partner, and I pay the bills and go to the bank and reserve my own plane tickets and do all those grownup-type things, but I still don't really feel like one. Whenever the production center calls at work and asks for me by name, I'm always vaguely surprised, like "why are they asking for me? Don't they know I'm only a student?"

Of course, I'm not a student any more, I'm a graduate. Sigh.

That's the other thing that feels weird these days. All my life I've had these huge, major goals lying ahead of me. I had to graduate from high school with a good GPA, and then I had to get a good degree from a good university, and I had to work really hard for that, and after that I had to figure out where I wanted to live and find a good job so I could pay for the things I want to have.

Well, now all that has been accomplished. It's a done deal. Graduated from college, got the job, got the place to live. Now what?

Right now I feel like I don't have any real goals ahead of me. Of course, I do -- I want to open my own bookstore someday, for one thing. But that all seems nebulous and far off in the future. I have no large immediate goals anymore. It's incredibly bizarre, after spending all that time working towards my degree. It's sort of like stepping off a moving walkway onto the regular sidewalk. You feel a little wobbly and unstable, and you're not quite sure where to go next. (If you've ever been to O'Hare, you know what I'm talking about here.)

I'm sure I'll figure out my goals again sometime soon. I'd feel a lot better, for example, if I sat down and mapped out my specific goals on the way to owning my own bookstore. Right now I have no idea what I need to learn or do or own in order to accomplish something like that. So I guess that's a goal.

In general, I just feel sort of without focus. I'm not sure if that happens to everyone when they graduate from college and enter the "real world", or if it's just me, but I hope I break out of it soon. I used to think it would be nice to have no responsibility and just spend my days doing whatever the hell I wanted to. Now I'm starting to realize that I require some sort of purpose, some sort of goal in my life, or I feel unsettled.

In other news. I forgot to relate a funny anecdote from my shopping trip on Sunday. I was in the shoe department, browsing around, and I was wearing my sweatshirt that says "So many books, so little time". This guy, maybe in his mid-40s, came up to me and said, "y'know, that SHOULD read so many MEN, so little time", and then he kind of half-winked. I guess I should have been grossed out or something, but actually I was a little flattered.

Which reminds me of an opinion question I wanted to ask. I've never been whistled at by construction workers; has anyone? And if so, was it really humiliating, or just funny, or was it flattering in a way? I'm curious. Let me know!

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