My Life in 12-Point Font:

August 4, 2007

There are things I had forgotten about having a baby, things I know I will forget again as this baby grows and changes into a toddler, a child, an adolescent, a man. Things like my irresistible urge to rub my nose across the fuzzy hair on top of his head; the way his movements become frenetic and jerky when he is close to becoming upset; the way I can tell, through an almost imperceptible maternal sixth sense, that he needs to nurse; the way his eyes roll back in his head in sheer delight when he is both sleepy and hungry and I take him to the breast.

Just before he arrived, I was frankly terrified of upsetting the familial balance we'd negotiated amongst ourselves, the tick-tocking along of our daily lives, the regular mealtimes and bedtimes and library visits and house cleaning and sleep schedules all thrown into an uproar by the arrival of this new, tiny, needy person. I had forgotten how easy it is to sleep next to a baby. I had forgotten how perfectly their small, warm bodies fit into the curve of your arm and your lap. I had forgotten that we have made this weird, life-turned-upside-down transition twice before, and survived it, and considered ourselves all the better for it afterwards.

I want to grab onto time and dig my heels in, stop it in its tracks, grind it to a halt, so that I can have more days, hours, minutes with my children as they are young and sweet and precious; at the same time I want to race into tomorrows to see what kind of men and women they will grow to be. I know tomorrow will be here sooner than I want it to be, so all I can do is to write down everything I can think of about my babies so that someday I can remember it all again.

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