June 1, 2001
I thought of a lot of cutesy little ways I could announce this, but all of them sounded stupid, so I'll just come right out and say it.
I'm pregnant.
Let's try that again.
I'm pregnant!
My notify list members, as well as most of the people who talk to me online, and most of our friends and family, already knew. For the last three weeks, I've been noticing extremely sore breasts and general moodiness. I was crabby for two weeks and couldn't figure out why. Then I missed my period by a couple of days. This is not really a big deal for me, as my period is not terribly regular to start with, but I picked up a home pregnancy test from the store anyway. 11 bucks, I thought to myself, is a small price to pay for peace of mind.
I got home and made a beeline for the bathroom, where I proceeded to take the test. I've done this before, when I was absolutely positively convinced that I HAD to be pregnant. Those times, I stared and stared at that little indicator window, trying to decide if there was the barest hint of a shadow of a line showing up, and there was never anything at all. This time, a dark pink line showed up within 15 seconds.
I think my heart rate must have tripled. I said, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God!" Then I yelled for Keith to come in and tell me whether that was two lines or one. He ran in and looked and said, "I think that's two lines, baby", and then said, "Give me a hug." So we hugged, and I felt ... I can't even describe. At first I felt this wave of joy, and then disbelief, and panic, and so many things all at once. After the initial rush, I convinced myself that it must have been a false positive. "It has to be a false positive!" I kept saying.
We went to a SIFF movie. We came home. I took the other test in the package. It, too, was positive. I started doing Web searches to see how likely a false positive is. Answer? Not freaking very. Lots of people get false negatives; hardly anyone gets a false positive, especially not with two separate tests.
Over the past few days, I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I am genuinely thrilled to be having a baby. I always knew I wanted kids. On the other hand, I thought that kids would come in a few years, after we had a house, and were more financially stable. I've been freaking out about the size of our tiny house, about the fact that Keith needs to find a job sometime in the next nine months, and most of all about the fact that I'm going to have to start sharing Keith with someone else.
I don't care if that sounds selfish, it is the number one concern on my mind. When the baby comes, it's going to take a lot of time and energy, and I'm not going to have the alone time with Keith that I have now. Things are going to be really different. We're going to have to make time for each other, rather than just having each other to ourselves all day every day. It's going to be a major adjustment for me; I like spending time with Keith more than just about anything. That's why I moved in with him.
However, Keith keeps telling me that this is all going to be worth it. He tells me that we'll have time for each other, that we'll still love each other, and that we'll be fine. Sometimes I have to reassure him too, and I tell him the same things. We tell each other these things because they are true. We have done something magical and mysterious. We have created life. I say that jokingly every time I see a bloom poking up out of the garden ("I have created LIIIIFE!") but now it's really true. In about 8 months, give or take, we'll have a brand new human being to take care of and love. It's an awesome concept, and I'm still really not used to it.
I'm going to start keeping this journal much more regularly, because now it's not just for me, it's for us, and our little person. I haven't decided what will happen to the journal after the birth, but for now, you can expect much more regular updates.
I am overwhelmed. I really am.