February 7, 2000

I majorly freaked out last night. I mean, major freakout. Freak. Out.

awwwww..... FREAK OUT!

Remember how I went off the pill in January? Actually, the exact date that I stopped taking the pill was January 2. So, I'd been doing some mental calculation to figure out when my next period should start. January 2 + 32 days (the length of my normal, non-pill cycle) = February 2 or so. I was starting to get a little concerned, but not really THAT concerned, because after all, I did just go off the pill, so I was expecting some weirdness in my cycle.

Then last night, I couldn't sleep because I drank too much Coke before bed. I was sitting up idly checking email when suddenly, it occurred to me: my period isn't supposed to start 32 days after I stopped taking the pill. It's supposed to start 32 days after my LAST PERIOD STARTED. And that was on like, December 26. I wasn't late. I was really late. Later than I'd ever been before.

So, I freaked out. It was 1:30 in the morning. I woke Keith up and told him why I was freaking out, and he asked me if I wanted him to go to the store with me to get a pregnancy test, and I said yes, so my poor sleepy sweetie got out of bed and put real clothes on and found his jacket and went with me to the store.

Result: negative. Of course, you all knew that, because you weren't freaked out like I was. I was really freaked out. I am not ready to be a mommy. I am not ready to hold the responsibility for someone else's life entirely in my hands. I am not ready for my whole life to revolve around a little replica of me and Keith. I will be, someday. But not right now.

I was more sanguine about the possibility this time than I was last time this happened, though. My freshman year of college, Keith came to visit, and then afterward, I was really late. Really late. Later than I'd ever been before (until now, that is). I didn't just freak out. I FREAKED OUT. I didn't really have the 12 bucks to pay for a pregnancy test then, but I spent the money anyway, because I was having cold sweats and I couldn't eat or sleep. All I could think about was how I'd be ruining my college career if I got pregnant right then. I wasn't. It was incredibly scary, though.

Life plans. Mom always told me that I could do anything I set my mind to. Well, what I really want is to own my own bookstore someday. I'm stymied right now as to how to go about achieving this particular goal. When will I be able to afford a business like that? Where will I get my initial stock from? Will people even still want to visit independent bookstores in ten years, or whenever I manage to raise the money for this? How will we be able to afford something so major when right now we can't even pull it together and buy a new car?

I'm probably just getting ahead of myself. I need more patience. We can't afford a new car right now because Keith just got his job two months ago and it takes awhile to build up savings. I should just learn to accept these things and work toward the future, and not concentrate so much on RIGHT NOW when I don't have the money to buy the things I want.

I'm also really torn about my job. On the one hand, I have a good amount of responsibility, and the pay is good. On the other hand, it requires zero creative thought. All I do is enter other people's edits all day. My officemate has the job I thought I was going to be doing when I hired on. I don't really like the work I do, but I am highly competent at it. I like my co-workers. Would it be worth it to give this up to become a teacher? A substitute teacher, even? Am I ready for getting up at 5:00 am to get to school again? Am I ready to deal with students?

I think I might be. This office job is just not me. I am a highly intelligent person, and this job is killing me. It took me awhile to realize it, but it is. I have nothing to occupy my mind all day, save for the Internet, and when we're busy I don't even have that saving grace. Besides, I don't want to spend every day surfing the Net. There are better things I could be doing with my talents. I could be contributing to my community instead of sitting here staring at this monitor all day. I could be molding and shaping young minds to... to... TO DO MY EVIL BIDDING!

Er, I don't know what happened with that last paragraph. I'm pretty sure I want to quit this job to become a teacher, though. I just have to get off my ass and figure out how to get certified in Washington State.

This weekend. We were going to go see a movie but, uh, events conspired against us. Our friend Nathaniel showed up to play Krieg with Keith even though it wasn't the scheduled day for Krieg, and they played a little anyway. So then when I got home from work (I had to work on Saturday, but not for too long), Nathaniel was still there, so we asked if he wanted to come see a movie with us. He said, sure.

We piled into the car and headed off for the movie. Interestingly enough, in the car I happened to mention someone's online journal that I read. Nathaniel couldn't believe that there were people who WRITE JOURNALS, and then PUT THEM ON THE WEB. He was totally astounded. He wanted to know when they find the time to do this. I said, I guess they do it from work. He said, wow. He said that his day is full of rushing from here to there and back and no way would he ever have time for an online journal.

I did not mention that I have an online journal. Neither did Keith. I think it's because I wasn't sure Keith would be cool with his friends reading my journal, and Keith wasn't sure that I would be cool with his friends reading his journal, and neither of us wanted to have a big discussion about it right in front of Nathaniel. Of course, now if Nathaniel finds out about my journal, he'll be like, "So, why were you guys keeping this a big secret from me?" Why does everything always have to be so complicated?

At any rate, we got to the movie theater five minutes after the movie was scheduled to start, which is when Keith discovered he'd forgotten his wallet. "Uh-oh," I said.

KEITH
Don't you have your wallet?

ME
Yeah, but I have like, 15 bucks.

KEITH
OK, it's the matinee, that will get the three of us in.

NATHANIEL
Yeah, I left my wallet at home too.

ME
Uh. (checks wallet) I actually have ten bucks.

KEITH
That won't get the three of us in.

ME
...

KEITH
...

MY BRAIN
Keith is upset that he forgot his wallet. Now we can't see the movie. What will we do?

ME
...

KEITH
...

NATHANIEL
Uh, let's explore our options. You two can see the movie, and I can go home on the bus if you give me a dollar. Or you can see the movie and I can, uh, wait for you...

(I laugh)

NATHANIEL
OK, that sounded stupid.

ME
Wait, I think I have some change.

NATHANIEL
Well, we only need $12.75 to get us in. (Five minutes of furious change-digging ensue.)

ME
Woo-hoo! $12.75!

KEITH
Three, please.

TICKET LADY
That'll be $21.50, please.

KEITH
Isn't this the matinee?

TICKET LADY
No. That was the noon show.

KEITH
Uh.

NATHANIEL
Uh. That's not even enough for the two of you to see a movie.

ME
Nope.

KEITH
(looks depressed)

NATHANIEL
I could go see the movie and you two could take the bus home!

(Laughter ensues)

NATHANIEL
Let's go get coffee or something.

We all agreed that that sounded like our best option. Keith cheered up after a few minutes, when he realized that his forgetting his wallet had not ruined our entire afternoon. So, we went to this relatively cool coffee place that had board games and sat and drank coffee and played Risk for a few hours. It was all right.

I told Keith that when our lease is up I want to move somewhere that I can walk to a coffee place from the house. Right now I can walk to K-Mart, or Eagle Hardware. Those are not good options. I want to be somewhere closer to the city. Keith agreed, and that made me happy.

OK, now go post on the forum. Enough talky-talky from me.

THE FORUM: What's the scariest thing that ever happened to you?

MORE FORUM: I posted something silly from my gym.

YET MORE FORUM: People have some interesting favorite songs.

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