January 30, 2000

Another scene from my life.

THE SETTING: 8:15 pm. Burger King across the parking lot from the Cinema Grill. Movie starts at 8:30 pm. Keith wants to buy a cheap burger at BK to avoid the obscene prices for bad food at the Cinema Grill.

KEITH
I'd just like a hamburger, with lettuce and no pickle.

BK JOCKEY
(in heavy Indian accent) You like a hamburga?

KEITH
Yep.

BK JOCKEY
Okeh, you wait moment.

MY BRAIN
Right now, I should say to Keith, "Your order is going to be messed up." Except then a big argument will ensue about how we should expect good service even from fast food employees. I don't want to have that argument. But yet, his order will be messed up. I will say nothing.

BK JOCKEY
Ere you go. Tank you.

ME
OK, hurry up and eat that thing, the movie starts in like ten minutes.

KEITH
Look at this receipt! They charged me 20 extra cents for lettuce! Why the hell do they say "have it your way" in all the commercials if they're going to charge you extra to "have it your way"?

ME
That sucks.

KEITH
Oh my God. They better not have put pickles on here if they charged me for extra lettuce. If there are pickles on here, I'm going to be so pissed off.

ME
...

KEITH
(examines burger) Oh my God. Look at that. That is a pickle. Two pickles. I can't even believe this.

(Keith goes back to the restaurant entrance. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him throw the pickles angrily into the trash can. Or so I think.)

ME
OK, can we go to the movie now?

KEITH
Yes.

(In the movie theater, before the lights have dimmed)

KEITH
I just don't know why they say you can "have it your way" if one, they charge extra for you to have it your way, and two, they're not going to take the care to ensure that you actually GET it your way. I just think it's a bad way to run a business.

ME
Did you feel better when you threw the pickles into the trash can?

KEITH
The trash can? I threw them at the door.

ME
You did what?

KEITH
I threw them at the door.

ME
Let me get this straight. Some counter jockey at Burger King gave you pickles, so you THREW THEM AT THEIR DOOR?

KEITH
Yes.

ME
I'm mad at you now. How could you do something like that?

KEITH
Well, they put pickles on my burger! And I had to pick them off! If they can't get my order right then they deserve to have pickles thrown at them.

ME
No they don't.

KEITH
It made me feel REAAAAALLLLY good.

ME
So, if we had kids, and these hypothetical kids did that, would you approve?

KEITH
No. I guess that makes me a hypocrite.

ME
It sure does.

KEITH
...

ME
...

ME
How could you THROW PICKLES at the door of the restaurant??

KEITH
Well, sure, I suppose I SHOULD have gone in and demanded another burger, but we were almost late for the movie.

ME
That doesn't make it okay to vandalize the door of the restaurant.

KEITH
Well, if they're going to have this big ad campaign to "have it your way", they sure as hell better make it my way.

ME
Or you'll throw pickles at them?

KEITH
Damn straight.

ME
OK, see, here's my problem with this, from the perspective of a former fast food employee. See, you got your order messed up, and that made you upset for a minute. But then, you totally vandalized the door of the restaurant, and I bet that REALLY upset the girl who gave you your food, so instead of a little upset, she's a LOT upset, and I bet whoever has to go clean it up is really pissed too. So because you were a little upset for a minute, you ruined two other people's nights.

KEITH
I think you're overemphasizing the hassle of cleaning up the pickles and underemphasizing the hassle of picking them off my sandwich.

ME
You cannot say that picking pickles off your burger is harder than cleaning pickle mess off a glass door.

KEITH
I got ketchup all over my hands! I would not have got ketchup all over my hands if they had left the pickle off in the first place.

(the lights in the theater dim)

ME
OK, I forgive you, but you have to promise never to do that again.

KEITH
I think I can manage that.

This morning when I asked Keith if it was OK to write up the pickle-throwing incident in my journal, he said OK, but that he wanted to make sure that his side of the story was accurately represented. He said that his anger stemmed not from the order screwup persay, but rather that 1) Burger King plasters "have it your way" all over everything and it's the keystone of their campaign, 2) they then overcharge for "extra" stuff that could plausibly be interpreted as "having it your way", thus undermining said ad campaign, and 3) they don't take the care to ensure that the orders are correct, thus causing many customers to have to pay extra for not getting it "their way".

I told him that I was sure that everybody understood that, but that flinging pickles at the door of the restaurant was still probably not the appropriate way to handle the situation. He agreed and told me he was glad I was such an understanding person.

In weather-related news. It's spring-like here in Seattle. I'm serious. It's in the 50s, sunny, with a mild breeze. Birds are flying and the air smells fresh. It's a good day to be alive. And you know, in Chicago I used to have to wait until mid-June for days like this. Living in the Pacific Northwest has its perks, from time to time.

THE FORUM: Talk about the pickle thing.

OLD FORUM: Go talk about stuff.

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