January 25, 2000

I hate calling tech support. Have I ever mentioned that before? I hate it. See, we have this new guy at work, so he needs an email address. You wouldn't think that would be so hard, would you? I certainly wouldn't think that would be very hard. Apparently, however, it is one of the most difficult things that can be done.

Anyway, yesterday his email wasn't working, and it was supposed to have started working the day before, so someone needed to call the ISP and figure out what the hell was going on. Guess who got the privilege.

PHONE
Ring, ring

ISP GUY
Hi, this is yer tech support. I'm not really talking to you right now, this is just the voice message. Ha ha, fooled you. Press 1 for the automated system that doesn't actually help anyone, but does filter out the morons who think the automated system will help them, and press 2 to be put on hold indefinitely.

MY BRAIN
I am not being paid enough to do this.

PHONE
La la la la, isn't this the worst hold music you've ever heard? La la la la, I can do this indefinitely. La la la.

MY BRAIN
Why me?

PHONE
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA YOU CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO ME BECAUSE YOU'RE ON HOLD, SUCKER!

ME
There's no call for that.

ISP GUY
What?

ME
Nothing.

ISP GUY
Um, OK. Hi, this is yer ISP, how can I help y'all today?

ME
I have a case number from yesterday. Should I give that to you now?

ISP GUY
Is this for a business or a personal account?

MY BRAIN
Did he even hear me? I bet I'm talking to a robot.

ME
Uh, business? I have this case number right here if that would help?

ISP ROBOT
And what business name?

MY BRAIN
Wow, that's pretty technologically advanced for a company that can't even give us an email account.

ME
Uh, Our Company. With an "O". Did I mention I already have a case number?

ISP ROBOT
And do you have a case number?

ME
(triumphant) Yes! I have a case number! It's 8675309.

ISP ROBOT
OK, let's see. I'm just going to transfer your call.

ME
No, that's not --

PHONE
Ha ha. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA more crappy hold music for YOU, LOSER! Ha!

MY BRAIN
I wish I had coffee.

(twenty minutes later)

ISP GIRL
Ma'am? Uh, ma'am? Are you there?

ME
What?! I'm here! I'm up! Yeah! Uh, hi.

ISP GIRL
Um, OK. It says here that you want an email account for this guy, uh, Schopenhauer?

ME
No, actually Schopenhauer is a dead German philosopher. We don't want an email account for him. We want an email account for Schebenmayer. S-C-H-E-B-E-N-M-A-Y-E-R.

ISP GIRL
He's a German spelunker?

ME
Forget that. Do you have his name?

ISP GIRL
S-C-H-O-B-E-N-M-O-Y-E-N?

MY BRAIN
It's going to be a long day.

ME
No, no. S-C-H-E-B-E-N-M-A-Y-E-R. His first name is Curtis.

ISP GIRL
Curtis with a K?

ME
Let's just get the last name first, OK?

ISP GIRL
(sounding confused) The last name.... first?

MY BRAIN
killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill

ME
Can you just spell the last name you have there?

ISP GIRL
S-C-H-E-B-E-N-M-A-Y-E-R.

ME
Good! Great! Now we're getting somewhere. OK, so Mr. Schebenmayer was supposed to have an email account --

ISP GIRL
(mutters to self)

ME
Hello?

ISP GIRL
(more muttering)

ME
Is there a problem?

ISP GIRL
Uh, hold on.

PHONE
LA LA LA LA YOU'RE BACK ON HOLD YOU BIG LOSER! HA HA I CONTROL YOU!

MY BRAIN
Oh, dear Lord.

(five minutes later)

ISP GIRL
Um, yeah. He's not getting email? This guy Schopenhauer?

MY BRAIN
I used to think God hates me. Now I think there is no God.

ME
Schebenmayer, and that's right.

ISP GIRL
Uh, he should be.

ME
Yep.

(silence)

ISP GIRL
Well?

ME
Well what?

ISP GIRL
So what's the problem?

ME
...

ISP GIRL
...

ME
Uh, he's not getting his email.

ISP GIRL
But, he should be. You mean he's not?

ME
That's exactly right.

ISP GIRL
Hold on!

ME
But, wait--

PHONE
LA LA LA LA YOU'RE SUCH A HOLD LOSER LA LA LA LA.

ME
(banging my head softly against the wall)

(five minutes later)

ISP GUY
Hi, I'm ISP Girl's supervisor. She says that this guy ... Oscarmeyer? Can that be right?

ME
No. It's actually Schopenhauer.

ISP GUY
OK, this guy Schebenmayer..

MY BRAIN
My ploy worked

ISP GUY
...isn't receiving email?

ME
Yup.

ISP GUY
But, he should be.

ME
...

ISP GUY
Um, why don't we delete his account and start over?

ME
Do you need to talk to me any more for that to happen?

ISP GUY
Uh, not really.

ME
Then I approve that plan. Call me when it's done.

ISP GUY
Uh.

PHONE
Click.

I'm supposed to call them back this afternoon, but I have to build up the mental energy first.

In other news. There is no other news. I thought there was going to be, but after sitting here staring at the wall for several minutes, I realized that there wasn't. So go post in the forum already.

THE FORUM: Tell me your tech support stories.

MORE FORUM: Not everybody hates planes.

FORUM, PART THE THIRD: We're still talking about the X-Files.

Back       Next       Journal Home