January 16, 2000
Some guy tried to pick me up at Safeway the other day. I swear.
I blame my new, cute haircut. I didn't even do anything to provoke this, so it had to have been the hair. I had to go to Safeway because there's a Bank of America branch there, and I needed to deposit my paycheck before going on my big mall spending spree.
So I get in line behind this guy at the ATM, and he sort of looks back at me and rolls his eyes in a commiserating way and says, "Jeez, some people are just a little anxious, huh?"
I looked at him blankly (my usual response when confronted with obviously crazy people).
He said, "The guy in front of me, I was walking over to get to the ATM and he just like, RAN in front of me."
I smiled and nodded. Ah-ha. He thought I'd seen the rude guy. OK, so he wasn't crazy, just talkative. That's OK. He would continue on with his ATM transaction now and get out of my way.
He did continue on with his ATM transaction, but then after he was done, he left his card in the machine. So I said, "Hey, you left your card in the machine". He came back, acting all sheepish (yeah, whatever, buddy, I'm onto your little ploy), and said something about how his work schedule just changed and that's why he was in such a hurry and forgot his card. Mm-hmm.
Then he went to walk away but came back AGAIN and said something like "Yeah, I sure hope your day is going better than mine has been." I was like "Yep, me too", without making eye contact. I think it was the lack of eye contact thing that finally got him to go away.
It was sort of cute, though. I mean, come on, how often does some mildly attractive guy try to pick you up in the damn grocery store?
On the other hand, maybe it wasn't cute, maybe it was more weird Ted Bundy-like behavior. It's a good thing I adequately rebuffed him, or I might be diced meat in somebody's basement right now. Definitely a good thing I rebuffed him.
Then again, being diced meat in somebody's basement might have been a slight improvement over how I actually spent the next twenty minutes, which was standing out in the cold waiting for the stupid bus. I wouldn't mind waiting for the damn bus if it weren't so cold outside, really, I wouldn't. And yes, I know that 35 degrees is hardly "cold". I know what real cold is. I lived in Chicago for four years. But hey, I was dressed for the weather there, and frankly, when you know the low for the day is going to be no lower than 32 or so, you have a hard time getting motivated to put on the really warm clothes. At least I do.
In Keith-related news. I would at this time like to share a phone conversation that Keith had yesterday. I have disguised the details so that weird stalkers don't try to come find me where I live. Hey you weird stalkers, you hear me? Don't try to come find me because these aren't real directions. Go download porn off the Internet or something. Come back after I'm finished with my story.
OK.
ME
So how exactly were we planning to get to Ian's birthday party? Since the car is broken and all?
KEITH
I dunno. I called Lena earlier. Maybe she can give us a ride.
PHONE
Ring, ring.
KEITH
Hello? Oh, hi Lena. Are you going to Ian's thing? Cool. Uh-huh. That's cool. Yep. Uh, so anyway, can you give us a lift? OK, great.
MY BRAIN
Whew. I really didn't want to have to take the bus. I wonder if Lena knows how to get to our house.
KEITH
Oh, uh, OK, let's see..
MY BRAIN
Uh-oh.
KEITH
Um, you come down Greenlake until about where you see the K-Mart and the Eagle Hardware. It's right by, you know, where that big statue thing is. You know the big statue thing?
ME
Can you just tell her to turn on 80th?
KEITH
No, the other Eagle Hardware... oh, Jan says to tell you just turn on 80th, does that help? OK. Turn on 80th. So then you're going to go up a big hill, and at the top there's sort of a bad turn, which is South Bend Ave., and that's where we live, just remember to turn left at the blind turn, OK?
ME
[holding my head in my hands]
KEITH
So yeah, then you go down the street and there's going to be a house on the left, and it has a bunch of those white picket fence things stuck into the yard around it... did I mention that we're on the second block of South Bend? OK. The second block. Yeah. So there's these white picket things in the ground... no, I'm describing the neighbor's house. The neighbor's house? OK. So there's these things, in the ground.
ME
DAMMIT CAN YOU JUST TELL HER THE ADDRESS!
KEITH
Well, it's 100000000 South Bend Ave, if that helps. It's the house with the car half in and half out of the garage. OK. See you in a few.
ME
Have you not learned your lesson?
KEITH
...
ME
The lesson about giving people directions that include stuff they have to see on the ground in the dark?
KEITH
[looking sheepish] Oh. I guess not.
This is why Keith is a bad navigator when we're going somewhere and I'm driving but I don't know exactly where the thing is. Keith is more of a "landmark" person, and I require more solid directions, such as street names and addresses. Also, his method of finding many places is simply to get within the vicinity and then triangulate slowly until finally we home in on it. This method does not work well for me. It tends to frustrate me and make me crabby. Then he gets crabby because I keep asking him "So do you really know where this place is? Because I don't think you really know where this place is. 'Fess up."
We're getting better, though. Really. And listen up, psycho stalkers, those weren't real directions, so don't get excited. I mean it.
THE FORUM: Did you ever suffer through a lame pickup attempt?
THE FORUM PART TWO:Has the X-Files been freaking you out lately?